Why the Wait?

Why do rape victims let time (and evidence) slip away?

A great friend asked what a great many others have asked about the rape allegations against Bill Cosby: Why would a rape victim wait to disclose his/her assault? Further, why would one wait weeks, months, years, even decades, which generally means all evidence has been destroyed. It saddens me that society seems to have fallen so far from empathy that we’re okay with blaming alleged victims for not telling us sooner that they were victimized. It’s hard to tell, though, if that’s resultant from a lack of empathy or an assertion of privilege. Regardless, I’ll share just a few of the reasons I listed for why victims/survivors of rape may delay in coming forward about what is likely some of their most pain-filled and shame-filled life experiences. The highlighted list isn’t exhaustive. In fact, you can find a link below to the Facebook thread for this conversation.

1. Rape is often THE most shame-filled moments of a person’s life. Rape carries with it the stigma of the victim being damaged goods. In 2014, there are still women being killed (usually termed “honor killings”) because they were raped. I’m aware some are only beaten 😩. There’s a reason only 40% of rapes are reported to the police, and only 3% of rapists ever spend a single day in jail. Do we really believe society is supportive of rape victims/survivors?
2. Allow me to briefly address the neuropsychology of trauma – bear with me. Many mention the ideal situation, which is that rape victims immediately report the crime to law enforcement and have a medical exam (rape kit) performed. These are logical steps one can and hopefully would take; however, brain scans of individuals recalling trauma have shown the portions of the brain most involved with logic and decision-making tend to be completely bypassed. The left frontal cortex, which I promise you want involved in any wise decisions, appears inactive, and during trauma, we (humans) tend to make decisions for immediate self-preservation (i.e., not long-term). I could bore you with more, but that’s the gist of it.
3. Rape serves the purpose of disempowering the rape victim. It’s long been established that rape is a crime about power, not sex. Any crime that specifically disempowers the victim makes it less likely that the victim will feel empowered to report said crime. So, rape is a little (a lot) different than say, having your car broken into. I’d hope we can agree that rape is a much more intimate crime than theft, as well, which again makes it less likely that the victim would publicly share the intimate nature of their violation.
4. When someone’s car is broken into, society’s general response is, “Oh no!” When a woman is raped, society’s general response is, “Oh boy!” (as in “Here we go…”). This response is intensified if the alleged rapist is a popular or highly regarded member of society; thus, the response to the alleged victim is much less supportive and much more blaming. Unfortunately, fear of not being believed is one of the top reasons rape victims don’t disclose. Even within that fear, there are complex variables that make it even less likely that a rape victim would come forward. For example, sexual arousal during the assault, which carries even more stigma, is the reason many victims fear they’d not be believed and the reason many in society don’t believe men can be raped by women (despite men being raped more than women in the U.S., but that’s for another discussion).
   
5. I want to also address how surprised people often are when there’s an “avalanche” of victims/survivors coming forward and/or going public after someone else tells his/her story of being raped and/or it becomes a more mainstream story. From a psychological and common sense standpoint, there is strength in numbers. As we see others share their truths, we’re strengthened in our conviction and courage to share, even if it comes with the public ridicule and scorn these women (accusing Bill Cosby) are now facing.

Finally, I want to leave you with the questions I originally asked: Why do we cast a negative light on alleged rape victims possibly having “an agenda” for why they came forward? So what if they DO? Have you considered how many thousands of dollars sexual assault costs victims in medical and mental health bills alone? Never mind decreased productivity due to depression, anxiety, and other trauma-related symptoms. Of similar impact is the relational distress and dysfunction resulting from sexual assault. I’d say an agenda is quite fitting, whether seeking financial compensation, public/private apology or admittance, or legal recourse. CLICK HERE for the Facebook link that included other great responses and reasons some would wait.

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