What’s The Best Way to Teach Boys to Value Girls?

 

A friend recently posed a question on Facebook: What strategies have you used to teach middle-school boys about valuing the worth of girls/women?

My Answers:

Teach boys self-worth and how to value themselves, first, and as an extension, how to value others.
Teach both physical and emotional intimacy. A lot of these things can and should start before middle school, but middle school is better than never.
Teach them the realities of how women are mistreated/undervalued in society (pay disparity, job inequality, etc.), and why it’s important to advocate for those with less power.
Explicitly teach them to value their bodies and women’s bodies via age-appropriate sex education, which includes discussing the realities of the porn industry and how it affects our valuing of sex and women. This also includes explicitly teaching consent (CLICK HERE for pointers on NOT Raising Rapists).
Ensure parents are on board with what you’re teaching and that they’re reinforcing these messages at home and especially in the media their kids are exposed to.
Teach boys to hold others, especially other males, accountable for their sexism and/or misogyny.

The time to be a leader isn’t later. The time to lead is now. Their ability to lead is now. During the preadolescent years, parental influence is paramount. But during the middle-school years, we tend to see a shift in how children internalize parental vs. peer values, so the earlier parents can model and make their ideals meaningful, the better. Likewise, the more we can help adolescents hold each other accountable on some of these issues, the better, because their peer groups become considerable influencers as they age.

How to Hear God’s Voice and Not Your Own (or Others’)

i hear voicesHow do I know it’s GOD speaking, and not ME speaking? How do I know it’s the voice of GOD, and not the voice of the enemy? These are valid questions because 2 Corinthians 11:14 says, “…Satan disguises himself as an angel of light…” which means it will sometimes be difficult to discern between the voice of God and the voice of Satan.

In John 10:4 & 5, Jesus says His sheep know His voice, and they follow Him, but they also do NOT follow the stranger and run away from him because they do NOT know the stranger’s voice. That means, it’s not enough just to know the Shepherd’s voice, but we must also be unacquainted with the voice of the enemy!

Adam and Eve spent time hearing God’s voice in face-to-face encounters, but it wasn’t enough just knowing what God said. Adam and Eve knew God’s words, but they entertained the enemy! Likewise, our Bible helps us to know what God said! But it’s NOT enough to just know your Word. You have to defamiliarize yourself with the voice of the enemy!

2min 30 second VIDEO with brief story: https://www.facebook.com/DrDeeKnight/posts/10154856340226492

Reach Out and Touch Someone

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Watch and share the video below!

I posted a video reminder below on suicide, depression, and the holiday season. Watch, share, grow. Each of us have the power to be the change we wish to see in this world. You can change someone’s entire life, even change the entire course of history if you seize the moments to connect with others and make this world a better place.

Here’s a Link to a relevant blog post: “How to Write a Suicide Note”

National Suicide Lifeline (U.S.A.): 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

International Suicide Lines (List): CLICK HERE

Find a Depression Support Group (locally): CLICK HERE

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The Rows Behind You

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

Last night I adapted the following activity (found online) with my students after a discussion on the psychological impact of the grand jury decisions (and precipitating events) in Ferguson and in NY for the officer who choked Eric Garner. Some didn’t see it impacting their particular clients or how they function professionally in our field. I had them write their names on a paper, ball it up, and try to throw it into a freshly lined trashcan at the front of the class, but they had to shoot from wherever they were already seated. We pretended that whoever made their shot would get an “A” regardless of how they were performing in the class.

Of course, those in the back complained it was unfair as others in the rows ahead of them practiced their shot. After everyone threw, I asked those in the front why they didn’t join the rows behind them in pointing out the unfairness. One student, privileged with front-row seating, said the others should have been sitting closer. Another nearer the front said she didn’t even hear them saying it was unfair (she was so focused on “making it” for herself). One student near the back made his shot and stopped mentioning it was unfair. His classmate slightly behind him rightfully called him an outlier. I told them that in reality, they have the privilege of front row seating in life, and part of their JOB is to advocate for the people in the rows behind them.

I told them to remember anomalies, represented by the guy who “made it” despite adverse circumstances (being near the back). Remember that our front-row privilege makes it easier to assume what others should have done differently (like sit closer despite being disallowed to move, or like how they should respond to oppression). Remember how easy it is to completely miss the cries of injustice from the rows behind us because we’re so focused on “making it” ourselves. And once you “make it,” remember to advocate for the rows behind you.

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Why the Wait?

Why do rape victims let time (and evidence) slip away?

Why do rape victims let time (and evidence) slip away?

A great friend asked what a great many others have asked about the rape allegations against Bill Cosby: Why would a rape victim wait to disclose his/her assault? Further, why would one wait weeks, months, years, even decades, which generally means all evidence has been destroyed. It saddens me that society seems to have fallen so far from empathy that we’re okay with blaming alleged victims for not telling us sooner that they were victimized. It’s hard to tell, though, if that’s resultant from a lack of empathy or an assertion of privilege. Regardless, I’ll share just a few of the reasons I listed for why victims/survivors of rape may delay in coming forward about what is likely some of their most pain-filled and shame-filled life experiences. The highlighted list isn’t exhaustive. In fact, you can find a link below to the Facebook thread for this conversation.

  1. Rape is often THE most shame-filled moments of a person’s life. Rape carries with it the stigma of the victim being damaged goods. In 2014, there are still women being killed (usually termed “honor killings”) because they were raped. I’m aware some are only beaten 😩. There’s a reason only 40% of rapes are reported to the police, and only 3% of rapists ever spend a single day in jail. Do we really believe society is supportive of rape victims/survivors?
  2. Allow me to briefly address the neuropsychology of trauma – bear with me. Many mention the ideal situation, which is that rape victims immediately report the crime to law enforcement and have a medical exam (rape kit) performed. These are logical steps one can and hopefully would take; however, brain scans of individuals recalling trauma have shown the portions of the brain most involved with logic and decision-making tend to be completely bypassed. The left frontal cortex, which I promise you want involved in any wise decisions, appears inactive, and during trauma, we (humans) tend to make decisions for immediate self-preservation (i.e., not long-term). I could bore you with more, but that’s the gist of it.
  3. Rape serves the purpose of disempowering the rape victim. It’s long been established that rape is a crime about power, not sex. Any crime that specifically disempowers the victim makes it less likely that the victim will feel empowered to report said crime. So, rape is a little (a lot) different than say, having your car broken into. I’d hope we can agree that rape is a much more intimate crime than theft, as well, which again makes it less likely that the victim would publicly share the intimate nature of their violation.
  4. When someone’s car is broken into, society’s general response is, “Oh no!” When a woman is raped, society’s general response is, “Oh boy!” (as in “Here we go…”). This response is intensified if the alleged rapist is a popular or highly regarded member of society; thus, the response to the alleged victim is much less supportive and much more blaming. Unfortunately, fear of not being believed is one of the top reasons rape victims don’t disclose. Even within that fear, there are complex variables that make it even less likely that a rape victim would come forward. For example, sexual arousal during the assault, which carries even more stigma, is the reason many victims fear they’d not be believed and the reason many in society don’t believe men can be raped by women (despite men being raped more than women in the U.S., but that’s for another discussion).
  5. I want to also address how surprised people often are when there’s an “avalanche” of victims/survivors coming forward and/or going public after someone else tells his/her story of being raped and/or it becomes a more mainstream story. From a psychological and common sense standpoint, there is strength in numbers. As we see others share their truths, we’re strengthened in our conviction and courage to share, even if it comes with the public ridicule and scorn these women (accusing Bill Cosby) are now facing.

Finally, I want to leave you with the questions I originally asked: Why do we cast a negative light on alleged rape victims possibly having “an agenda” for why they came forward? So what if they DO? Have you considered how many thousands of dollars sexual assault costs victims in medical and mental health bills alone? Never mind decreased productivity due to depression, anxiety, and other trauma-related symptoms. Of similar impact is the relational distress and dysfunction resulting from sexual assault. I’d say an agenda is quite fitting, whether seeking financial compensation, public/private apology or admittance, or legal recourse. CLICK HERE for the Facebook link that included other great responses and reasons some would wait.

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Convicted to Confront

Reblogging post on confrontation with a 3-minute video on setting boundaries. Rabbits don’t like when you put up a fence to keep them out of your garden, but producing fruit requires setting boundaries. “I’m a fan of mercy, and I’m a fan of grace, but that does not nullify the boundaries of God.” Love shows restraint; it doesn’t just do whatever it wants whenever it wants. Love both sets and keeps boundaries.

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I’ve been hit left and right these last few days with the reality that I need to engage in some loving confrontation to move forward in a healthy way. I was relatively clear on this notion on Monday, but by Wednesday (yesterday), I’d talked myself down from fully walking out in faith. I’d told myself, “Well, maybe I just need to be strong enough to address this issue should it come up again.” But, the reality is, God doesn’t want us to take a passive stance on confrontation. I thank Pastor Roger Hernandez for his obedience to blog about this. His Spirit-led tweets talked me out of the corner of fearing confrontations that need to be had.

In Matthew 18:15-20, the Word tells us to go to those who’ve harmed us, not to wait, but to be proactive and go to them. The whole purpose is to “gain…

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Skin Deep

be.You.tifulRe-blogging this with a short video update at the bottom. I absolutely adore this woman’s snippet on finding and celebrating her own beauty.

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be.You.tiful

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Beauty is only skin deep,” and I have to say I both agree and disagree. On Friday night one week ago, I attended a women’s worship service where a picture framed the question, “What makes you beautiful?” Those four words leapt from the picture frame in the candlelit room. Among the 10 questions posed that night, I only managed to completely answer this one. I’ll share my response as I originally penned it, below (with all the weird capitalizations, boldings, and underlines):

“What makes you beautiful? This question put such a smile on my face. God, you’ve restored me and loved me back to life. Like, WOW! Your love, your grace, I see beauty where I didn’t use to – that makes me beautiful. To join with You in acknowledging the beauty in every single thing You’ve created, to recognize beauty where others, and even I…

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iParent.TV Giveaway

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I’m excited to announce this giveaway on my blog! There are several ways to enter over the next week to get a FREE subscription to iParent.TV, which helps you create a safe environment for your children’s online/tech activity.

80% of parents don’t how to monitor  kids’ online activity.

iParent.TV can help!

Click here or image below to enter (email, FB, or Twitter)

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iParent.TV Promo Video

More Info About  iParent.TV

What is iParent.TV? If your kids are awake, they’re probably on a smartphone, in front of a smart tv, downloading apps, or posting to social networks. And most likely you have no idea what they’re doing. iParent.TV will be a yearly, subscription-based website for teaching and informing parents on all things tech, mobile, devices, websites, and apps for kids so that you WILL know.

The Problem. Most parents don’t have an inside track to tech or social media dangers, let alone how to safeguard their kids against them.

58% of 10-12 year old kids believe they know how to hide their online activities from their parents.

46% of them said they would change their online behavior if they knew their parents were paying attention.

Introducing iParent.TV – keeping parents ahead of the tech curve. We believe we have the opportunity to help parents understand, get involved and safeguard their children in the ever-evolving tech World. iParent.TV educates parents with all the latest trends via Websites – Social Media – Apps – Devices

The idea. It started with a group of dads who felt like their 9-year-olds knew more about tech than they did. They were right. But their idea will help change that forever for all parents. Once launched, iParent.TV will have 100s of videos and product reviews that are very current, cutting edge and trending, keeping parents who subscribe ahead of the tech curve.

How it will work? The iParent.TV website will be a subscription-based site costing $49 per year for parents to access all the videos, reviews, how-tos, and live chat support. It will be the largest site on the net helping parents understand what’s safe and what’s not in the world of tech. – And we are offering it for only $29 on Indiegogo.

What you get? Articles, videos, reviews, tips, tools and expert advice on EVERYTHING like…
– Popular Apps
– Social Network Sites
– Major Websites
– Top Devices

your children know more than you do

 

Mourning Unknown Unknowns

snuffed out candle

Recent interactions have left me seriously contemplating life’s “what ifs” and “if onlys.” These musings aren’t fueled by feelings of regret for my own wasted potential, but rather a sense of longing and lament for all the potential beauty this world will never know but should have and would have known “if only.” I feel a sorrow akin to grief for the broken dreams that remain unspoken yearnings, dreams whose fulfillment may have brought such needed light into much needed spaces “if only.” Yet, we live so unaware of the radiance and vivacity that could avail an otherwise dimmed world.

In a Department of Defense briefing, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated the following:

“…there are known knowns…things we know we know [and] known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. And if one looks throughout history…it is the latter category that tend[s] to be difficult…”

Although he was referring to uncertainty in the context of national security, I have to believe Secretary Rumsfeld’s logic transcends his specified topic. The things we aren’t even aware of not knowing are most problematic in life – the unknown unknowns – the most problematic, yet often, the least considered. I’ve heard too many stories of dreams, not just deferred, but destroyed by harsh critics whose scathing words seared shut the repository of creativity and resplendent joy the world will now miss out on. There are too many brilliant unknowns we’ll never even know we could’ve experienced because some careless comments damped the lamp that could’ve blazed a path for so many.

As I shared on Facebook, there’s something about wasted potential that saddens me to my core, something about knowing there are people whose light, and love, and beauty the world may never know, whose untapped genius may never change the world into what it might have been because it went unnoticed, or unappreciated, or worse, because mere mortals used mere words to dim the light that could’ve shone so brightly.

For some, those scalding words toughen them on the outside, never again letting pain dig to far in while never letting love all the way out, either. They strive harder and accomplish more, but do so in a spirit of rebellion against the rest of the world. You hear them echoing torts of the past, “I made it, no thanks to my teacher who said I’d never amount to anything.” By the time they’ve “made it,” they’re often hardened toward the vulnerability that could set this world ablaze with such ardor and grace. Even this type of “making it” causes the rest of humanity to lose out on what could have been if words of life were spoken instead. Sadly, yet another group exists — those who wilt under the scorching heat of wanton words, those who shrink back, who give up, who never bare their souls, whose torches have been tapered, whose greatness we’ll not experience.

If our words can revive even the faintest of heartbeats and bring life where death once loomed, if they could stir the smoldering embers, put a whimsical twinkle back into they eyes of those who would have lost heart, wouldn’t it be worth it to aspire to always speak life? Wouldn’t it be worth it to not have to mourn the unknown unknowns, to experience those things that we didn’t even know we needed in our lives and to help others produce those things they don’t yet know they’re designed to contribute, to minister to the hurts they didn’t know they could heal and do the unimaginable? What if our words of life could brighten each fading light by just one lumen? Couldn’t a change like that light up the sky?

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brighten each light

What if we each brightened one fading light?